I thought that I would write a huge long story about what’s been going on in my life but it turns out that I’m not the writer that i so long to be. If you’re still reading, haha..umm..I mean waiting because I haven’t written anything in forever, you could probably tell by now that I am not good at writing anyways. I basically write how I talk. Which is not very proper. But who wants proper anyways?
So the title of this post directly corresponds to exactly how I am feeling at this very minute.
Exactly one year, to the date, we suffered another miscarriage.
We had just landed in California, excited to tell our families, when we got the news that our second pregnancy would “most likely” end in a miscarriage. We held onto some hope that maybe the doctors were wrong and we’d get to see this pregnancy to full term. So we told our families. And within a few days of sharing our good news, we ended up having only bad news.
This time around we were more prepared and I think it made a difference. I was able to, sort of, mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen, and for the most part knew what to “look” for.
But it still doesn’t make losing another child any easier.
This time around I didn’t let us talk about names, talk about how/where we would set up the room, talk about what we were going to do about my working, talk about saying “hi” to the baby. I didn’t want to talk about anything. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I didn’t want to feel that crushing mental and emotional pain I felt last time. But I did anyway. I still do.
When customers come in asking about the maternity section, I work at Old Navy, I get a knot in my stomach and I just want to yell at them for asking me. How can you stand there and ask me such questions looking all excited and happy when I just lost my baby. But they don’t know, it’s not their fault. So I help them.
When I see my coworker who is pregnant I just want her to stay away from me. I hate her. It’s not her fault but I hate her anyway. Because she still has her baby and I don’t. But she doesn’t know so I talk to her.
When I think about video chatting with a friend who is pregnant all I want to do is not see her. Ever. I don’t want to talk to her or hear about how she’s doing. It hurts too much. So I asked if we could only communicate via text. And I know I’ve hurt her feelings and I know she understands. But I can’t help but feel sad and hurt and then I can’t help but feel guilty for hurting her.
But I need to heal too. And this is not something that can be rushed. I know that now. I need to take the time that I need to heal my body. And my heart. I want so desperately to be done. To be free of this emotional pain. To be rid of these feelings. All the excitement that comes with being pregnant, gone. In an instant. All the people that I was just waiting for time to go by so that I could finally share this wonderful news, can no longer share. In an instant. All the planning we did for when the baby gets here, no longer needed. In an instant.
We lost our baby. In an instant. (Well, not really. It actually was about three – four hours.) And who knows how long it will take to recover. I don’t think I even emotionally recovered from the last one. And this one is just as hard.
But I’m still here. I’m still going to work. I’m still getting up and doing things even though I just want to lay in bed and wallow in my pain. I’m still smiling and finding joy in things.
It’s hard and life sucks but I’m still here.