*this is part one of a series that i’m not quite sure how many parts there will be. but i hope that through this series this blog will become a little more transparent and personal, and not just about things that i do. thanks for reading.
we were six weeks pregnant when we lost our baby.
that was back in february of this year. and i’m still feeling the effects of what happened.
today is International day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. this day has prompted me to finally get this story out.
i’ve heard – and read – that something like this stays with you forever. not always as intense as when it first happens, and the following months, but it is something that you never forget.
everyone grieves differently. and in their own time. there are some people out there who have a miscarriage and they grieve for a few months and then they’re okay. they’ve finished healing. but there are others that grieve every time they see a bunch of children playing with their friends. and they can’t help but think, “my child would have been about five months old now. i want to be holding him, taking care of him, and loving him. instead i’m here at a dinner party and there are children playing, laughing, and smiling, and i don’t have my child with me to play, laugh, and smile.” and then they tear up because that’s all they can think about. all the while feeling guilty that they can’t just enjoy where they are and who they’re with.
i’m sort of in the middle there. i thought that i was part of the first group. grieve and be finished healing, but not forgetting. yet as i write this post eight months later i know that i am not.
it started out with still counting the weeks. this week i would have been seven weeks. this week i would have been eight weeks. a few weeks later i told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and to move on (i was still in the mindset that i belonged with the first group). i was very sad and yet i hadn’t cried the ugly cry, or even really cry, and i just went about my days. i thought that i was doing well with having a miscarriage. that i could just be on my merry little way.
i was going to california for the first two weeks in april for some family visiting and some family weddings. my flight was booked while we were still pregnant and i was estatic to be seeing my family. after seven years of marriage many were waiting to hear about us expanding our family. i would be passed the first trimester so i could share with everyone, friends and family, our wonderful news. but with the miscarrage, and not but a handful of people knowing, the last week in march was not a fun week for me. i wanted to see everyone but i also just wanted to stay home with paul and not go anywhere. but i hopped on the plane and made it to cali.
for some weird reason i feel that i have to put up a strong front of myself when i’m there and to top it off i have a period of adjustment time that i go through. with these two factors i was super anxious going to california. i thought that i would be fine seeing everyone. but it turned out that i wasn’t. whenever there was talk about babies or baby stuff i zoned out because it was too hard for me to be part of that conversation. about four days in all i could think about was being home with paul. while i was physically in california, my head and my heart were in ohio. so i kinda went on autopilot.
a few months later i was feeling a bit better. but one night i was lying in bed trying to fall asleep when i had this overwhelming hunger come over me and i remembered when i was first pregnant, and didn’t know it yet, i would have these overwhelming hunger pains and would go downstairs to eat some toast. i craved toast like never before during those six weeks. at that rememberance i started crying and couldn’t stop. sometime during the crying i fell asleep. the next day i was overwhelmingly sad and pretty much cried throughout the day. i made an appointment for the next day to talk with a counselor, a military family life consultant. i started crying the second i walked into her office and i didn’t stop until i was walking out of her office.