peasquared

my life in pictures and words

Archive for the category “thoughts”

life. sucks. but I’m still here.

I thought that I would write a huge long story about what’s been going on in my life but it turns out that I’m not the writer that i so long to be.  If you’re still reading, haha..umm..I mean waiting because I haven’t written anything in forever, you could probably tell by now that I am not good at writing anyways.  I basically write how I talk.  Which is not very proper.  But who wants proper anyways?

So the title of this post directly corresponds to exactly how I am feeling at this very minute. 

Exactly one year, to the date, we suffered another miscarriage.

We had just landed in California, excited to tell our families, when we got the news that our second pregnancy would “most likely” end in a miscarriage.  We held onto some hope that maybe the doctors were wrong and we’d get to see this pregnancy to full term.  So we told our families. And within a few days of sharing our good news, we ended up having only bad news.

This time around we were more prepared and I think it made a difference.  I was able to, sort of, mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen, and for the most part knew what to “look” for.

But it still doesn’t make losing another child any easier.

This time around I didn’t let us talk about names, talk about how/where we would set up the room, talk about what we were going to do about my working, talk about saying “hi” to the baby. I didn’t want to talk about anything. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I didn’t want to feel that crushing mental and emotional pain I felt last time. But I did anyway. I still do.

When customers come in asking about the maternity section, I work at Old Navy, I get a knot in my stomach and I just want to yell at them for asking me.  How can you stand there and ask me such questions looking all excited and happy when I just lost my baby. But they don’t know, it’s not their fault. So I help them.

When I see my coworker who is pregnant I just want her to stay away from me. I hate her. It’s not her fault but I hate her anyway. Because she still has her baby and I don’t. But she doesn’t know so I talk to her.

When I think about video chatting with a friend who is pregnant all I want to do is not see her. Ever. I don’t want to talk to her or hear about how she’s doing. It hurts too much. So I asked if we could only communicate via text. And I know I’ve hurt her feelings and I know she understands. But I can’t help but feel sad and hurt and then I can’t help but feel guilty for hurting her.

But I need to heal too. And this is not something that can be rushed.  I know that now.  I need to take the time that I need to heal my body. And my heart. I want so desperately to be done. To be free of this emotional pain. To be rid of these feelings.  All the excitement that comes with being pregnant, gone. In an instant. All the people that I was just waiting for time to go by so that I could finally share this wonderful news, can no longer share. In an instant. All the planning we did for when the baby gets here, no longer needed. In an instant.

Life. Sucks.

We lost our baby. In an instant.  (Well,  not really. It actually was about three – four hours.)  And who knows how long it will take to recover. I don’t think I even emotionally recovered from the last one.  And this one is just as hard.

Life. Sucks.

But I’m still here. I’m still going to work. I’m still getting up and doing things even though I just want to lay in bed and wallow in my pain. I’m still smiling and finding joy in things.

It’s hard and life sucks but I’m still here.

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six weeks

*this is part one of a series that i’m not quite sure how many parts there will be. but i hope that through this series this blog will become a little more transparent and personal, and not just about things that i do. thanks for reading.

we were six weeks pregnant when we lost our baby.

that was back in february of this year. and i’m still feeling the effects of what happened.

today is International day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. this day has prompted me to finally get this story out.

i’ve heard – and read – that something like this stays with you forever. not always as intense as when it first happens, and the following months, but it is something that you never forget.

everyone grieves differently. and in their own time. there are some people out there who have a miscarriage and they grieve for a few months and then they’re okay. they’ve finished healing. but there are others that grieve every time they see a bunch of children playing with their friends. and they can’t help but think, “my child would have been about five months old now. i want to be holding him, taking care of him, and loving him. instead i’m here at a dinner party and there are children playing, laughing, and smiling, and i don’t have my child with me to play, laugh, and smile.” and then they tear up because that’s all they can think about. all the while feeling guilty that they can’t just enjoy where they are and who they’re with.

i’m sort of in the middle there. i thought that i was part of the first group. grieve and be finished healing, but not forgetting. yet as i write this post eight months later i know that i am not.

it started out with still counting the weeks. this week i would have been seven weeks. this week i would have been eight weeks. a few weeks later i told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and to move on (i was still in the mindset that i belonged with the first group). i was very sad and yet i hadn’t cried the ugly cry, or even really cry, and i just went about my days. i thought that i was doing well with having a miscarriage. that i could just be on my merry little way.

i was going to california for the first two weeks in april for some family visiting and some family weddings. my flight was booked while we were still pregnant and i was estatic to be seeing my family. after seven years of marriage many were waiting to hear about us expanding our family. i would be passed the first trimester so i could share with everyone, friends and family, our wonderful news. but with the miscarrage, and not but a handful of people knowing, the last week in march was not a fun week for me. i wanted to see everyone but i also just wanted to stay home with paul and not go anywhere. but i hopped on the plane and made it to cali.

for some weird reason i feel that i have to put up a strong front of myself when i’m there and to top it off i have a period of adjustment time that i go through. with these two factors i was super anxious going to california. i thought that i would be fine seeing everyone. but it turned out that i wasn’t. whenever there was talk about babies or baby stuff i zoned out because it was too hard for me to be part of that conversation. about four days in all i could think about was being home with paul. while i was physically in california, my head and my heart were in ohio. so i kinda went on autopilot.

a few months later i was feeling a bit better. but one night i was lying in bed trying to fall asleep when i had this overwhelming hunger come over me and i remembered when i was first pregnant, and didn’t know it yet, i would have these overwhelming hunger pains and would go downstairs to eat some toast. i craved toast like never before during those six weeks. at that rememberance i started crying and couldn’t stop. sometime during the crying i fell asleep. the next day i was overwhelmingly sad and pretty much cried throughout the day. i made an appointment for the next day to talk with a counselor, a military family life consultant. i started crying the second i walked into her office and i didn’t stop until i was walking out of her office.

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happy 8 to us!

today paul and i celebrated our 8 year anniversary.

here’s a little snippet of our day.

we started it out by working out together. he on the eliptical and me on the kettle bell.
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i took the veracruz silverfox to get some maintenance and then came home to eat lunch and watch merlin.
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then we spent some time playing words with friends through our tablets.
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we went to osaka japanese grill for dinner. we had some edamame, soup and salad, vegetable tempura, tamago sushi, chicken tonkatsu, and hibachi filet mignon with fried rice and veggies.
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paul took us to ritter’s for some frozen custard. he got a fudge sundae with vanilla custard and i got a cherry bomb gelati which is vanilla custard with cherry flavored italian ice. y.u.m.!!
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we took a few bites at ritter’s and then came home to finish them while watching the matrix (and playing a little more words with friends).
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we had a great day of celebrating our marriage. it has been a fun 8 years and i look forward to many, many, many more.

thanks for reading!

edited with instagram, photogrid, and pixlr express

national geographic “beyond the story”

over memorial day weekend, my sil-s and i drove out to washington, d.c. to meet up with my bro-m to visit our nation’s capital. you can read about our drive to d.c. here, our first day of visiting here, some nighttime walking here, our saturday here.

on sunday we went to the national geographic museum.  it was pretty neat.  although, we didn’t go through the museum at all.  haha.  the part that we went through was neat.
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we walked across the courtyard and into this exhibit.
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these are just a few of photos that were being shown. please take time to read each plaque under each photo.
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these next few photos are of the jaguar’s video. it starts with the jaguar running….
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and then starting to slow down. can you see he’s putting on the brakes??
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what do you think? it’s a pretty good exhibit. if you’re ever in the area, make some time to check it out. they also have some other pretty cool exhibits but you have to pay for them, which i did not. lol.

show ’em you care

last year when paul was deploying i found out that a high school classmate friend’s husband of mine was also deploying. only his deployment was a year long vs paul’s six months.

thankfully for him, though he was previously in the military, he went as a civilian and was able to come home for r&r three times.

i’d been wanting to do something for her i just didn’t know what. then one day i saw a recipe online that included peanut butter, oreos, and brownies. and i knew i hand found what i was looking for.

of course it took me longer than i’d liked to get them to her. but get them to her i did.

start out by lining the muffin pans, placing an oreo inside, and then dropping a dab of peanut butter on top.
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after all that, take another oreo and put out on top of the peanut butter.
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all ready for some brownie mix!
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brownie mix ready for mixing!
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i only had enough to fill all but three cups.
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raw close-up. (those lumps are chocolate chips.)
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raw. baked.
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baked close-up.
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mmm…inside.  oreo.peanutbutter.oreo.brownie. does it get any better?
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and a shot from the top.
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after they cooled down i bagged them and wrapped them.  then i boxed them up.
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even though it’s just a small piece, it gives some decoration to the boring “priority mail” box.
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you can find these pb oreo brownies here.

paul and i sampled one before i sent them out. they were delicious! and i would TOTALLY make them again! however, i would do some things differently.
1. use chocolate chip-less brownie mix
2. put a small dab of brownie mix in the cup before placing down the first oreo
3. follow the instructions and put one teaspoon of pb on top of each oreo instead of two teaspoons just in the middle

other than those three things, i think they turned out great!

and so did my friend. she posted a photo collage when she received them.
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what do you think? if you get a chance you should make some pb-oreo-brownies. you will thank me later. =)

thanks for reading!

edited with instagram, photogrid, and pixlrexpress

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